i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
