Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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