I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
