Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
