Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
