Swine flu. Run for my life!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
