peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
