wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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