If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
