Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
