oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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