he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
