when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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