I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
