I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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