His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
