My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
