You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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