hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
