I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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