I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
