that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just gargled with NyQuil
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
