my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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