Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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