I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
