there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
she pinky promised me she was 18
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
