So drunk its hurt
They should really pass out barf bags in church
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize