You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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