Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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