After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
