He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
