I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
