Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
