i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
