I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
