Can i not drive my cunt home
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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