My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
