you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just pee around me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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