Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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