Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
