you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I wish you could order shots online.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
