got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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