dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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