If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize