There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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