Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
