No awkward lesbian experiences without me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just pee around me
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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