i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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