Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
