I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
