I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
