Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
