god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
as a side note pls kill me
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
