I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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