he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
