a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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