the condom got lost in my hair
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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