anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize