went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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