6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
