What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
is that a dick in a sweater?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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