she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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