so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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