he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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