I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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