We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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