i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
