That's intense
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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