Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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