I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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